Walking Through the Pain

by NotDownOrOut

In the aftermath of my surgeries I remained in the intensive care unit with the nurses who became my support network and inspiration during treatment and recovery. Because I spent so long in intensive care at a relatively new suburban hospital, I spent the Memorial Day weekend and another weekend in the unit. There were several weekend days when I was the only patient in the unit. I had the experience of spending more than one twelve-hour shift with some of the nurses. On their return from days off, several would stop in to see how I was doing.

I remain very grateful for their excellent care. They fought for me when I lacked the strength to fight for myself. I promised them that I would return to express my gratitude after my discharge, and I did not wait too long to do that. I packed a bag of gifts for them and delivered it one morning. I was not allowed to enter the unit, but one of the nurses, Amy, and the hospital’s chaplain, came out to accept the gift. Amy and the chaplain remembered me. They hugged me and wished me well. I am guessing most people put experiences like mine behind them and do not return. I intend to come back again to let these wonderful nurses know that their work does more than save lives. They give their patients hope, peace, and medicine that does not come from a pharmacy.

Here’s the note I wrote to my nurses:

July 8, 2017 

Greetings to the outstanding nurses and staff in the Holy Cross Germantown Hospital Intensive Care Unit: 

It has now been a little over a month since I was discharged from your care after successful resolution of a flesh-eating infection and treatment for related conditions. I have been busy with home healthcare nurses, my follow-up appointments with Doctors Sailon and Jacobs, and other doctors.

I am happy to report that healing is going well. I have a pinched nerve in my neck for which I am being treated. I am under care for diabetes now, but I am doing well.

There are no words that can sufficiently express my gratitude for the care I received while in your unit. I am dropping off treats today, but they also cannot represent the emotions I feel. Your compassionate care during a time when I might have died and the positive outcome for my health and well-being are gifts I do not take for granted. Thanks to you and the medical professionals at Holy Cross Germantown, I have another chance at life. 

If I have forgotten anyone in the following list, I apologize for my faulty memory. In my sixteen days in the hospital, I underwent four surgeries and many challenges. But there was always a friendly voice and hand to help me. 

Shak: You were with me during some of the worst hours of my life. I still wake some mornings and recall how, after one of my surgeries, when I was coming out of anesthesia, I saw you standing there looking concerned for me, and it seemed as if you were some kind of squadron leader there to fight for me when I was unable to do it for myself. Bless you, that image is a source of great comfort.

Kwame: You encouraged me to walk and I did it. I still smile when I think of your coaching to face the day’s challenges. My motto in meeting those challenges was, if I have to walk through pain to make it out of here, then I will walk through that door. I did. Thank you for encouraging me when spirits were low.

Sophie: There was a night during my stay when I was afraid and in quite a bit of pain. Your voice of comfort soothed those concerns and still represents for me reassurance that things would be okay if I hung on.

Vivienne: How many times did you crack ice packs for me? I think you singlehandedly saved me from sweating into a pile of jelly with your patience and energy and caring on several nights when I could not seem to find relief.

Melanie: I think of you as the Martha Stewart of Holy Cross Germantown. If you recall, my room ended up being filled with chairs and commodes. I was the Goldilocks of hospital equipment. Some were too big, some too small, and some in need of repair. Most of the time, this equipment would crowd the walls so everyone could pass through and do their work, but, when you were my nurse, you would rearrange and make everything fit better and look better. It felt like it was going to be a good day as soon as you walked in during rounds to say hello and write your name on the board.

Yulie: You cared for me on so many occasions. I would get to the point in which I was exhausted, sweaty, and seemingly oozing with infection and you would come on duty, get me all cleaned up and tuck me back into that horrid bariatric bed, and I finally would sleep. You fought the bed company for me on a night when nothing else was going well and you got me installed into a better bed. I am so grateful that you never gave up in the battle to get me what I needed to recover.

Thinh: I had some tough reactions to some meds and you were there to keep me calm and track down a doctor to handle the matter in the middle of the night. You were there several nights and were so calm and reassuring that I made it past the rough situations. Thank you.

Rachel and Rachael: We were together through one of those nights when my bariatric bed proved to be a disaster. Not only did you persevere in the face of the challenges of keeping me comfortable, but you tackled that bed of torture and tried to get it to work. I also remember that night because of our wonderful talk about taking writing classes in pursuit of a degree and finding it tough to reconcile the writing teacher’s expectations with the reality of how intensive care nurses communicate with patients and others. The two modes of communication are not the same, and finding one challenging does not mean you are not an expert at communication. I learned from you and others in the unit that you have your own effective tools for saying what you need to in stressful circumstances. A soft touch to the face sometimes alerted me to the presence of my nurse without the need for any words. I learned that many of you discuss the outflow of stuff from patients’ bodies like strange foods’ consistencies. It works for you!  

In my package there is a bag with a book about how many schools teach history using books that do not tell the true story of how we treated indigenous populations. I still remember how your little boy was challenged at school for questioning the history books. I applaud your support of him. I can tell you that, as a lawyer, mine is one of many professions, in addition to your own, that value people who take on assumptions and test them. 

Lucy and Patty: Often stepping in to help me navigate in and out of bed. Tracking down a prescription. Helping to figure out what to do with the bariatric bed from hell. Bringing me more ice packs. Checking in on the way in or out of the shift. Thank you!

Holly: My last day I ended up wrapped in warm blankets from head-to-toe. Despite needing dozens of ice packs during my stay, the couple of hours you bundled me in warmth were a great source of comfort. I was about to leave and face recovery largely on my own at home, but I cherish the memory of my warm and fuzzy send-off. I felt ready. Thanks for that.

There are so many people to thank. My memory fails me at times as I try to remember specific days and shifts, but the following nurses and supervisors helped me, sometimes just answering my call button, sometimes for a shift, sometimes waving or cheering me on: Amy, Aurora, Bernadette, Christina, Christianne, Jericho, Julie, Sharon, Veronique, and Wooley. Michelle, you took my blood for glucose testing and were a ray of sunshine with your smile. I know you turn 21 in October. I hope you have that celebration (safe but fun) that we discussed—even if your friends are too young to go along.

I also have included in this package an envelope for Ms. Ermine, the woman who often cleaned my room. Please pass it on to her. I will never forget her many kind words of encouragement and advice. She stood in the hallway the first time I was able to walk that far and she cheered me on. What a fantastic woman she is! I am grateful for the opportunity to meet her during my stay.

Thank you again for all of your skill, talent, compassion, and care. I hope to put the extra time I will have on earth to good work thanks to you.



As my letter indicates, my nurses saw me through some tough times. I will write more about them and some of the challengs they helped me face in future posts. Thanks to them and the rest of my medical team, I was able to walk through my pain and leave the hospital to continue my recovery at home.